what am i doing????

Lately, I've been wandering, just being a wanderer, no plans, just aimless and getting pretty good at it..which freaks me out because I usually have a plan.  Im not overly organized or ocd (i dont think) or anything, Im just usually trying to have some kind of baseline plan and goals going into the next season.  But this year, I dont have any.  I dont know if its boredom, or what.  I really am starting to miss "home", wherever "home" shall be.  But mainly, Im missing living in the states.  I love living in Europe and the travel opportunities, but I miss having a crapload of riding buddies, be it gals, guys, and excellent, unlimited singletrack, people who speak "bike", people that understand the sacrifice, and share it with me.  Im really missing that whole lot.  I miss being so excited to ride, I miss lusting over bike parts, I miss the chamois, I miss the hours of training, the drain, only to be uplifted at a race and see the hours pay off.  I miss it all!  I miss the occasional wreck, that lets me know Im alive, and to not get too cocky.  I love the clowns in the sport, the funny people, you know the ones--the playaz-- they make a ride in a torrential deathly desert/lightning storm the best, scariest and fun all at the same time, ride of your life, people you can have a beer (or 3) with after a great ride, people that know you, that really see you, that make me laugh until I pee my pants, and dont care if you belch, fart or puke on a ride(or if you pee your pants)--the socially incorrect, the politically incorrect or uncorrect, whatever...I've had the joy of calling many "friend", even "best friend".

I had that life.  Then I moved here.

That sounds awful, but I really feel lonely.  I guess I am finding I am a person that needs friends that share the same hobbies hobby.  I dont get into the stuff here, which is basically, oh, lets go hang out at my house and watch football and stuff our faces full of crap food and drink cokes, or lets just all get drunk.  I mean, I dont care about the drunk part, just at least lets go ride first!!!  I mean COMEon Man!!!  am i asking too much??

I used to be funny, I used to laugh at life, now Im just annoyed most of the time.  I dont even wear pink anymore, and thats a BIG deal.  I've become a monotonic/monochromatic moron, trying to ride my bike on foggy, wet, PAVED paths, that run for miles, but little dirt ever reaches the tread.  I dont even dream about that next tattoo, most of my clothes are black, gray, or navy blue.  BORING!!!!!!!!!

I am whining, and Im sorry.

But then, I DO remember who I am, and I come back, even though I dont like the non-endless amount of singletrack in Germany or the endless rain, and fog.  Eventhough my friends consist of me, myself and I and my kids and husband, at least thats 6!  Im not depressed, just homesick and dont think for one second that I dont love Europe.  I think I was just spoiled before...and lucky.

My husband, he's def adaptable.  He doesn't need a social network.  He doesn't care either way, Im sure, but he is fine training alone, and he still pushes himself whether with a group or not.  And he does it everyday, he NEVER complains, he is always happy to be out on his bike, so it makes me feel even MORE like a whiny little puke.  Its pretty awesome he can do that, and I look up to him and hope one day I will be that great, not just as a cyclist, but as a human being.  I guess that's what separates the champions from the weekend warriors, haha, and Im not even that anymore, I used to be a champion, but I've resorted to sorta ride my bike, if its not too cold, but I guess I just need to take a chill pill and be thankful for what I have, the people I get to see everyday, my family, because they are what makes me happiest, I just cant wait to move back in a few years. Hopefully its somewhere I can hop back on the train and catchup with my mates....

p.s. thanks for reading this if you actually could stand to read it : )